Fifteen cat puns, each with the one place it belongs, because a pun on the wrong surface is how "purr-fect" ended up on ten thousand mugs. A pun is a delivery mechanism. The card, the caption, the mug and the tee want different ones, and the group chat wants a fifth kind altogether.
The rule before the list
Say it out loud once. If you had to explain it, it's a crossword clue. If it made you exhale through your nose, it's good. And the person you're giving it to has a cat, so they've heard "purr-fect" this week already; the bar is above that.
The fifteen
- Feline fine. A mug, and only a mug. It's the thing you say at 7 a.m. before you're capable of saying anything else, which is exactly when you're holding a mug. On a cat mug it reads as a mood. On a shirt it reads as a claim.
- You've got to be kitten me. The group chat, on the photo of the cat inside the grocery bag. Also a mug, for the person who says it unprompted.
- Purr-suasive. A card, for the cat that got the second dinner. Works because it describes something the cat actually does.
- Cat-astrophe. The caption under the video of the plant on the floor. Never on a gift; nobody wants a shirt that predicts their week.
- Litter-ally obsessed. A t-shirt. It's self-aware, which is the only way to wear a pun in public.
- Paw-don me. The apology card for the friend whose couch your cat has opinions about. A sticker on a laptop if you must.
- Meow or never. A hoodie for the person who talked about adopting for three years and then did it in an afternoon.
- The cat's pajamas. A hundred years old and still the best thing you can call a pair of cat socks. It was flapper slang for "the best", in print by 1919 and everywhere by 1922, and it has aged better than most of that decade.
- Fur real. A text reply. A tee if the design is doing the work and the words are small.
- Hiss-terical. The caption under the video where the cat meets the cucumber. Not a gift. Nobody wants to be described as hiss-terical in writing.
- Purr-haps. The answer to any plan that involves leaving the house. Card or caption.
- Tail as old as time. The anniversary card for a couple who met because of a cat, or the cat mom and cat dad pair who've had the same cat longer than they've had each other.
- Fur-ever home. The adoption-day card, and the one pun rescues use without irony because it means something. Say it once, on the day, and never again.
- Whisker me away. A note in a suitcase. A travel mug, if the person has one they actually use.
- Not kitten around. The shirt for the cat lady who has been called that as an insult and took it as a job title.
The retired list
Purr-fect. Meow-velous. Pawsome. Cat-titude. These aren't bad, they're finished. They were funny in 2009 and now they're the sound of a gift shop at an airport. If you need one for a child under seven, "claw-some" still works, because nobody under seven has heard it yet.
Spanish gets one too
Cat people in Spanish have a whole second vocabulary, and the best line in it isn't a pun at all: "gato con guantes no caza ratones", a cat in gloves catches no mice. It's what a grandmother says when you're being too precious about a job to actually do it. English has the same proverb and nobody uses it, which tells you something about who kept their grandmothers closer. We're considering it for a mug anyway.
Where the words go
A pun on a card lasts a day. On a caption, an hour. On a mug or a tee it lasts years, so pick the one you'd still say out loud in three years, and check the wear department before you pick the one that makes you groan. The rest of the gifts for cat lovers don't need a pun at all; a cat on a thing is usually enough.
If the card is for a cat dad, there's an entire post about whether that's a green flag you can quote at him.
Fifteen. Use one. The second pun in a card is the reader realizing you had a list.