Say the cat's name, say one true thing you remember about the cat, and say you're sorry. That's the whole card. Everything below is versions of it for different people and different distances, plus the sentences to leave out.
The reason it's hard is that the world doesn't give you a script for this one. When a person dies there are cards in every pharmacy. When a cat dies you're improvising, and most people either say too little because they're scared of saying "just a cat" by accident, or too much because they're trying to fix something that doesn't fix.
The three parts
The name. People who've lost a cat notice, painfully, when everyone starts saying "your cat" instead of "Milo". Using the name says the cat was a somebody. It costs you nothing and it's the part they'll reread.
One true thing. Not "he was such a good boy", which anyone could write about any cat. The way he sat on the windowsill when you came over. The fact that she only liked one person in the world and it was your friend. If you met the cat, you have one of these. If you didn't, use what your friend told you about the cat, which they told you because it mattered.
I'm sorry. Plain. Not "I'm so sorry for your loss", which is the phrase from the pharmacy card. "I'm sorry" or "I'm so sorry about Milo" is enough. You aren't being graded on vocabulary.
Short, for a card
I'm so sorry about Milo. He was a good cat, and you were very good to him.
Thinking of you and of Pepper. The house is going to feel wrong for a while. I'm around.
Biscuit had the best life a cat could have, and the reason was you.
I keep picturing Luna on the back of the couch, judging all of us. I'm sorry she's gone.
Longer, for a note or a letter
I keep thinking about how Olive used to walk across the table during every dinner like she was checking us in. I'm sorry she's gone. If you want company that doesn't need you to talk, I'll bring food on Thursday and we can not talk together.
I know Mango wasn't "just a cat" and I'm not going to say anything like that. He was there for the whole apartment, the job you hated, the breakup, the good year after. Fourteen years is a long time to be someone's constant. I'm sorry, and I'm here.
You did everything for Nacho, right up to the last decision, which was the hardest one and the kindest one. I'm sorry you had to make it. I'm glad he had you to make it.
A text, when a card is too slow
Just heard about Pepper. I'm so sorry. No need to reply.
Thinking about you and Milo today. Sending him a scratch behind the ears wherever he is.
I'm sorry about Luna. I'm bringing dinner tomorrow, you don't have to see me, I'll leave it at the door.
For a coworker
I'm sorry about your cat. Take whatever time you need this week; I've got the Tuesday meeting.
I heard about Biscuit. Fifteen years is a whole chapter. I'm sorry.
For a kid
Mango was lucky to have you looking after him. It's okay to be sad for as long as you're sad, and it's okay to laugh about the funny things he did, sometimes both in the same minute.
For someone who had to make the decision
Most cats die because someone loved them enough to decide. It's the part people don't talk about, and it's the part that keeps them up at night.
You gave Olive the kindest thing anyone can give, and it cost you the most. I'm sorry. You didn't get it wrong.
The fact that you're second-guessing it is the proof you were the right person to make the call.
What not to write
- "You can always get another one." They know. That's not what this is.
- "At least he was old." Age doesn't make the chair less empty.
- "It was just a cat." Nobody says this on purpose, but "I know it's silly, but" is the same sentence in a coat.
- "Everything happens for a reason." It doesn't, and even if it did, this isn't the moment to be interesting about it.
- "He's in a better place." Only if you know your friend would say it themselves. To a lot of people, the better place was the sofa.
- Long stories about your own cat's death. One line of "I've been there" is kind. A paragraph makes it about you.
About the Rainbow Bridge
If you're tempted to quote it, know what it is. It was written in 1959 by a 19-year-old in Scotland, Edna Clyne-Rekhy, after her Labrador Major died, and for decades it circulated as "author unknown" until a historian tracked her down in 2023. Some people find enormous comfort in it. Some people find it saccharine. If your friend has it on their fridge, use it. If you're not sure, use their cat's name instead. The name always works.
Do something, as well as writing something
The card matters. The thing that helps more is small and practical. Offer to come and take the bowls, the litter box and the carrier away, because walking past them is the worst part of the first week and nobody can bring themselves to do it. Bring food. Don't ask "what can I do", which puts the work on them; say "I'm coming Thursday with dinner" and let them cancel.
If you want to send something, flowers are what people send when a person dies, and a lot of cat people find them strange in this context. Something with the cat's name on it lands differently. Two weeks after is a better time than two days after. Two days after, they need dinner.
If your friend isn't okay
Grief for a cat is real grief, and it can go somewhere that a card can't reach. These exist, and they're used more than people think:
- The Cornell University Pet Loss Support Hotline, staffed by veterinary students trained by grief counselors: 607-218-7457, hours vary by semester.
- The ASPCA's pet loss resources, which include their own helpline.
- Lap of Love's pet loss support, from a network of hospice vets who've had this conversation thousands of times.
- The Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement, which runs moderated chat rooms.
- r/Petloss, which is exactly what it sounds like and is kinder than most of the internet.
You can put one of these in the card. "If it gets heavy, this exists" is a good last line.
Name, one true thing, I'm sorry. Then bring dinner. If you want the list of cat names for the day they're ready to think about it again, it's here, but that day is theirs to pick, not yours. And if the cat was black and the photos never came out, the Black Cat Day post explains why that was never the photographer's fault, which is a small thing to be able to tell someone.